I Thought Myself to Be a Homosexual Woman - David Bowie Made Me Realize the Reality

In 2011, a couple of years ahead of the acclaimed David Bowie display opened at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I declared myself a gay woman. Previously, I had only been with men, including one I had wed. After a couple of years, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single parent to four children, living in the United States.

At that time, I had started questioning both my gender identity and attraction preferences, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the early 1970s - prior to digital connectivity. As teenagers, my companions and myself lacked access to Reddit or YouTube to reference when we had questions about sex; rather, we turned toward pop stars, and throughout the eighties, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned male clothing, The Culture Club frontman wore women's fashion, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were publicly out.

I craved his narrow hips and precise cut, his defined jawline and masculine torso. I aimed to personify the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I passed my days driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I went back to femininity when I opted for marriage. My spouse moved our family to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the masculinity I had previously abandoned.

Given that no one challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to devote an open day during a summer trip back to the UK at the museum, anticipating that possibly he could guide my understanding.

I was uncertain specifically what I was seeking when I walked into the exhibition - possibly I anticipated that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, in turn, stumble across a clue to my true nature.

Quickly I discovered myself positioned before a modest display where the music video for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was moving with assurance in the foreground, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while positioned laterally three backing singers in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these female-presenting individuals failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Positioned as supporting acts, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their diminished energy. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the backing singers, with their pronounced make-up, uncomfortable wigs and too-tight dresses.

They seemed to experience as ill-at-ease as I did in female clothing - irritated and impatient, as if they were yearning for it all to end. Just as I recognized my alignment with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Surprise. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I aimed to rip it all off and transform like Bowie. I wanted his slender frame and his precise cut, his angular jaw and his flat chest; I sought to become the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as queer was one thing, but transitioning was a much more frightening outlook.

I required several more years before I was ready. Meanwhile, I did my best to embrace manhood: I stopped wearing makeup and discarded all my skirts and dresses, shortened my locks and began donning masculine outfits.

I changed my seating posture, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I halted before medical intervention - the chance of refusal and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be an identity that didn't fit.

Facing the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a feminine man who'd been in costume throughout his existence. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and now I realized that I was able to.

I booked myself in to see a medical professional soon after. I needed additional years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I worried about materialized.

I still have many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I accept this. I wanted the freedom to play with gender as Bowie had - and given that I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.